Have you ever been seduced by …

… smoked salmon, scrambled egg and rocket on brioche?

I have. And now I can hardly walk. This is what happened;

The last week’s brief: chill.

Last week’s reality: Mentalism – until Thursday when brain lost all ability to use time (and clocks) like normal human. I was supposed to be in meeting in town at 10.00am. Deliberately sorted out early child care for Roo who was off school sick. Nipped down to deli to see Ads and grab a take out Yorkshire Tea and then had brain fail. Sat down. Started chatting. Was offered lush smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on brioche with rocket.

Immediately seduced, I took the offer.

Twenty minutes later, post seduction, was deep in a pillow-talk with next table. We were discussing weird pregnancy cravings during which I was just revealing my burning desire to eat rubble …

“And did you … you know?” my table neighbour whispered in revolt/awe.

“Yes,” I gulped. “I did!! Just once …”

At that moment I glanced up at the clock. It was now 9.35am. My meeting was in 25 minutes. Oh my flipping Nora.

Leapt up, ran to car, jumped in. No petrol. Zoomed Drove exceedingly carefully to petrol station and by the time I’d paid realised I now only had twenty minutes to get to meeting. Just as I was about to pull onto main road, was suddenly hit with realisation that I didn’t have my Filofax thing or a copy of GYOG to take with me. Sped Drove exceedingly cautiously back home where I screeched to halt on gravel drive, leapt out, ran in grabbed GYOG, hooned upstairs, crouched to grab Filofax off floor and … my knee went.

Through crippling pain, limp/leapt down stairs, jumped into car and began the worst drive on my life. I hate being late. I really, really, really can’t bear it. And now I only had 16 minutes to get to v important meeting. And my knee hurt excruciatingly every time I pressed the clutch down.

My only hope was that Time God could bless me. Me and the Time God are old muckers. Can’t remember how we met. I might have made up the whole relationship in my head, but either way, praying to him works. I muttered to Time God all the way, begging him to stretch ten minutes out a bit for me.

And Time God sorted it!

Amazingly my car got there very very quickly. Amazingly all the traffic lights were green. Amazingly, despite being in wrong lane, I was able to smoothly shift across without giving anyone road rage. Amazingly, the milk cart that pulled out in front of my car turned off almost immediately. Amazing there was a beautiful, gorgeous, worshipable empty space outside the exact front door of the s.t.u.d.i.o.

10.01am. Got out of car and nearly fell on floor in agony. Knee totally mullered. But meeting went nicely well (despite limp and high heart rate). And that was that.


This week?

Well … I’m not swimming, as my knee is mullered. I’m not running, as my knee is mullered. I think quite a lot of time may involve sitting down, trying to unmuller the knee.

So there. Smoked salmon and scrambled egg with rocket on brioche?

It’s bad news. Steer clear.

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